Not Having a Rant but a Request to Schookabobawicz's

I gotta tell ya, I gotta beef with me Not having a Rant but a request to Schookabobawicz's.  You know what I mean? Of course you don't you Schookabobawicz'! Why the freak are you reading this? HELP ME!  Follow me.  Join.  Come on Fiji's. Come on Bartlesville. (Who is Jacob Bartles?) Come on horse lovers. (huh?) I don't expect to be famous but I do expect to at least give you a daily 60 second respite from your daily grind.  What's getting your goat everyday?  Let me know. Register on the blog, follow me.  I am no more prolific than one rant per day. This is not SPAM.  You KNOW me.  Maybe you do not KNOW me but I KNOW you.  Please send me your suggestions. I can rant. I am no Robert E, but I have the statistics of how many people are actually reading what I have to say and the numbers have doubled each of the last three weeks! That's right....4----8-----16.  Unfreakinbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...Let me share. If this continues, then in less than one year, we will reach over 4,503,5999,627,370,396 beings.  I need to let you know that number is 4,503,592,627,370,496 people than exist on this planet (Earth for your foreigners). So I will cut my expectations in half!  BUT YOU HAVE NOT REGISTERED TO FOLLOW ME.  (Mac, you are good!) The rest of you are not in the HALF.  And that's my Best Chicago Beef for today.

Using America as Your Personal Wastebasket

I gotta tell ya, I gotta beef with using America as your personal waste basket. You know what I mean? Of course you do! There is trash everywhere.  Don't you just love the schmungdups that just leave their hefty bags at the stop sign. Where were you born? Who raised you?  Now that I have mentioned it, just start looking. Everywhere.  How about smokers that just toss their live butts out the car window, drop them on the sidewalks or worse yet, empty their ashtrays next to their parking spot. It's criminal and they should be flogged.  I love Singapore.  It is a "fine" city.  There are strict laws against littering of any kind. First-time offenders face a fine of up to $500. For repeat offenders--it's a fine of up to $1,000 and a Corrective Work Order (CWO). The CWO requires litterbugs to spend several hours neck deep in raw sewage anfter they have been beaten with cane poles.  Just kidding about the last part but it would not be too harsh for these total losers.  True story, as told by a bartender at Flemings.  He's on a one hour crawl down the Kennedy "Expressway" and the guy in front of him starts tossing CD's out his window followed by the rest of the trash in the car.  Nothing better to do? Jeez unfreakinbelievable. Well anyway, he got his license plate, reverse looked up his address and had Allied Waste empty an entire garbage truck on top of his car. Okay that parts not true but it should be.  And that's my Best Chicago Beef for today.

Non-migratory Canadian Geese

I gotta tell ya, I gotta beef with non-migratory Candadian geese. You know what I mean? Of course you do! I am talking about the ones that are about 3 feet tall, black and white heads that chew up the grass and leave piles of poop in your parking lot at the office, golf course and the nearest park with a retention pond.  Now that it's dark in the morning and dark in the evening it is almost impossble to avoid their leftovers.  And stupid?  They are just smarter than a rock and less smart than a log.  And slow? They are just a little bit faster than me (and I have tried on multiple occassions to grab one!).  And mean? Don't get between them and something they want back (say a gosling.) Endangered? Not for dozens of years. I love geese, I just can't eat a whole one.  I am not the first person to propose feeding Canadian Geese to hungry Americans at Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, I hope I am the first to propose letting any American with a stick, rock or gun kill up to 2 per month in months that end in "R."  And that's my Best Chicago Beef for today.

A certain kind of bike rider

I gotta tell ya, I gotta beef with  a certain kind of bike rider in the City You know what I mean? Of course you do! I am not talking about the green folks careening up and down Milwaukee at 30 mph in heavy traffic when i am going no where in my auto.  I am talking about a specific son of a rich guy, I know his name is Richard, on Michigan Ave this afternoon.  This is the guy with the bike shorts, plastic shirt, helmet and a personal need to expose his tight buttocks (my gal's observation.) There were at least a million people on the Mag Mile today for Black Friday (is that politically correct?) This Schwinndouche comes riding through the cross walk (that looks like a swarm of fire ants on a forced march) at about 16 miles an hours. It is a gridlock of humanity. He slows almost imperceptibly, taps his brakes, and miraculously slips through this mass of humanity and gives me the look like I am in his way.  Sorry, nip load, there are no bike paths in Streeterville, this is a crosswalk and the next time you do this I am making sure we give you a wide berth so you can get t-boned by the Express Bus to Union Station. No leftovers for you.  And that's my Best Chicago Beef for today. 

Fall is just too short

I gotta tell ya, I gotta beef that Fall is just too short. You know what I mean? Of course you do! Someone tell me why it is only 3 months long.  Hey you, boogernest, that is a rhetorical question. I know the whole universe is in constant motion for a very good reason but the fact is that Fall just doesn't last long enough. You get the point where you're really enjoying it and the weather is crisp and sunny, then the leaves turn colors (ooh aah) and then you get to Thanksgiving and you get to wear your turkey pants with the elastic waist band and then it's dark and winter arrives. I just think it is not fair and I am not going to take it any more.  So there you have it.  I am sure I will have something to say about winter being six months long in another couple of months. As you might expect from me, have an okay Thanksgiving tomorrow.  I personally will be in a tryptophan coma enjoying (in my own sad way) the end of Fall.


 And that's my Best Chicago Beef for today. Gobble Gobble.

Just a little bit of rain

I gotta tell ya, I gotta beef with drivers and just a little bit of rain. You know what I mean? Of course you do! Why in the freakin' world do drivers cut their speed by 70 percent when there is just a little spritz of rain.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course you should slow down, maybe to the speed limit but not to 20 gosh darn miles per hour.  Today is a PRIME example. A little rain all day. O'Hare to Downtown, an hour and forty seven minutes. That's 18 miles.  Edens to the Junction, an hour twenty five. That's 18 miles.  You get out your iPhone and calculate that speed.  It is not a pretty sight.  My commute was double normal and not a thing to show for it but forty five additional minutes of NPR (three repeated stories) and a tired butt.  There were so many ridiculously over cautious drivers that I ran out of things to call them.  And that means I made it past Z.  From A (you armadillojerkwad) to Z (you Zuchinidogbag.) And that's my Best Chicago Beef for today.

OMG Pot Holes

I gotta tell ya, I gotta beef with the City of Chicago and how they deal with potholes. You know what I mean? Of course you do! Any of you from Illinois know how huge they can get in the course of one winter (by-the-way, it's not Winter yet) The City defines one as: "typically irregularly shaped pavement holes." I am so proud that we have a formal definition.  OMG, I hit a pothole the size of a small semi-truck on Friday night and actually hit my head on the driver's side window.  So I call 311 to report the location and some poor, but happy $23 dollar an hour City worker tells me they only take calls regarding "utility cuts and sink holes."  Huh?  NOT what I wanted to hear but I will support them in their next contract negotiation-NOT.  A good explanation of why my rims are dented, our roads suck and why we are the brokest state in union.  And that's my Best Chicago Beef for today.

Exact Same Speed

I gotta tell ya, I gotta beef with drivers that drive the exact same speed as the car next them. You know what I mean? Of course you do! Your minding your own business, just trying to go past the cars in the three lanes in front of you and they decide that they are at the speed limit and that's where they are going to stay.  The ningnongs are both hands on the wheel, 10 and 2,  staring forward at the perfectly clear road ahead because they have been blocking traffic IN ALL THREE LANES for the last 2 miles! Well latidah darling.  Aren't you special!  A private road just for you. So you pull right up on their bumper and start flipping your lights from low to high and leaning hard on the horn while you wave the other fist in the air until one of them finally sees the bigger picture and moves out of your freakin' way.  Don't forget to give 'em the long hard stare as you cruise past.  And that's my Best Chicago Beef for today.

Just Fast Enough

I gotta tell ya, I gotta beef with drivers that drive just fast enough for me to miss the traffic light. You know what I mean? Of course you do! You drive the same route to work every day.  Day in, day out. You know the timing of the lights and which intersections in each town have a brutally long red to green cycle-time.  And of course, EVERY DAY, as you approach the worst intersection of your commute, some doofbagel in front of you starts to tap their brakes because God forbid they might have to speed up just a little to make the light.  But no, they slow down just enough for them to make it and leave you behind to smile at the red light camera and wait three freakin' minutes for the light to change.  But I don't worry because I write down all their license plates and some day I will see them again.   Oh yeah, I will not forget.  And that's my Chicago Beef for today.

Cell Phones in Automobiles

I gotta tell ya, I gotta beef with using cell phones in automobiles. You know what I mean? Of course you do! Your driving along at 80, minding your own business and there is a car up ahead weaving back and forth across their lane and into yours and your fellow commuters. Sure as I am a whiner, you slow down as you go past, and you take a good, long, hard stare at the jagoogaboff (to make sure they are not having a stroke something) and they got a Motorola Razor glued to the side of their face. You honk and give 'em the WTF wave and all you get back is them yada, yada, yadaing in their own little freaking world, like you don't exist and have a right to go fast in the left lane. And that's my Chicago Beef for today.